Will
How about a women’s event that calls for each athlete to perform various sexual feats on me? As founder of the sport, I would naturally be judging the routines based on difficulty, form, and the extreme mental stamina necessary to control one’s laughter when I present my genitals.

Otherwise I’d be sure to give the guys some sort of medal….

Travis
I’d say ping pong, but that is already included. How about LARPing? I mean, those guys and gals are battle-hardened. They spend countless hours working on their weapons, costumes and special abilities. And we all know, in order to spend countless hours on something you have to be dedicated, just like those Olympic athletes. Don’t believe me? Watch this very convincing video and tell me those aren’t the finest human specimens you’ve seen in a long time if not ever.

LARPing is not a sport, I don’t care what that guy over down at Taco Bell with the big tits says. - HP

Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt! - Travis

Tristan
Chess-boxing. It’s a little freaky, and I didn’t think it was real at first, but apparently somebody decided to combine chess and boxing. This sport combines the grueling mental chess game with the physical mind-numbing sport of boxing. Players have to keep their wits alive as they take blow after blow to the head, just so they can survive the following round of chess. What better combination of brains and brawn?

HP
I think the problem is that everyone spends all their time specializing in one event rather than becoming the best you can at everything you can. I want to see merged events, such as the gymnast/skeet shoot (the gymnasts are the skeet) or the crew/archery race (each boat has an archer, tries to kill other boat).

Okay, really, I just want the normal Olympics but where people shoot at other people.

Not quite like this but they are run and shoot.

Skeet skeet skeet skeet - HP

Jake
This isn’t terribly different from HP’s, but I’m looking at more of an actual free-for-all beatdown event. Basically, put a bunch of people in a “normal” environment (office, house, park, whatever) and have the person who walks out the winner. Either that, or have a beatdown event where all you’re given is Nerf™(c)(we’ll sue your ass) weapons. That would take way more effort to win, so it may be more entertaining.

Tom
I like HP’s idea, but I think we should take it further. Like, say, two wooden pirate-style ships duke it out. Or, barring that, some sort of event where two women have sex, and are judged by the difficulty of various techniques, the creativity of positions, and the sheer impressiveness of the resulting orgasms.

Tucker
I would vote for the introduction of weight classes in the diving competition. And each country would have to provide at least 3 divers for each weight class. Now let’s see… where would the cutoff be? Yeah, that sounds fair. How about <250 and >250. Basically I’m saying I want a fatties only diving competition.

Yes, I know you know which video is coming.

How about the normal Olympics, with the minor alteration that all contestants must maintain a BAC of 0.15%? I think that’s enough to make things loopy without them puking for the entire event. - Tristan

Tom
Okay, I’ll be first, then. My reason for not going to work is simple: Outside smells funny.

Travis
The reason you shouldn’t go to work tomorrow is simple: They don’t need you.

Think about it. How many times have you gone on vacation and come back to loads of work sitting on your desk, 84 voice mails and 320 emails with people all asking for things yesterday? Exactly.

Oh while you’re taking your day off there champ, I’d be looking for a new job since you’re obviously disposable in the first place. FYI.

Travis I hate you for having a job where you’re useless and still getting more vacation time than I do. I can’t leave my desk to take a piss without having 84 voice mails and 320 emails. You suck and I hate you. - Tristan

HAaaaahahaha wow. At my job I get paid more, get more vacation time, and am more useless then Travis. Suck on that, folks! - HP

HP
Boy, don’t I know all about that. Sadly, they do need me right now as we are in the busy season preparing for students. Wanna know why I didn’t go to work two days ago? I had a goddamn fever. Do you know what it takes to give me a fever? Hell, my average body temp is usually 2 degrees warmer than most. And this damn fever made me have to use a sick day when I was actually sick! That’s what pisses me off the most!

Tristan
There are bears outside. Think about it…you have to walk all the way to your car, then all the way from the parking lot to your work building, all without getting eaten by a bear! That’s just nonsense! And to make things worse, you have to do it all in reverse at the end of the day! As if it wasn’t hard enough doing it forward, now you have to do it backwards!

Frankly, I’m not going in to work tomorrow for my own damn safety. There are bears outside, and my boss expects me to be an acrobat or some crap. That’s way too far outside my comfort zone, and it’s just unethical to expect me to risk my life for some stupid job.

Will
Tomorrow (being Monday) is simply the perfect day for not going to work. Not only does it lengthen you weekend considerably, it shortens the rest of the work week. Besides, think of how little you could accomplish if you just put you mind to it. I’m excited.

Tucker
You shouldn’t go to work. In fact, you should probably just kill yourself.

Tristan
Respect, love, or the ability to go outside without being laughed at. Then again, maybe that’s too absurd. We all know that nobody will ever love a cripple.

Will
Gary Coleman.

Tom
Either Machine Gun Leg, or Chainsaw Hand, ala Planet Terror and Army of Darkness, respectively.

HP
You guys aren’t putting too much effort into this. Think about it. We can put ANYTHING on your limb. What does Tristan chose? To be gay. What does Will chose? To be short and gay. What did Tom chose? Movie cliches that would be neat if he were not so gay.

Let’s say I lost my arm and my leg (the left ones, they suck). To replace my left leg, i would want a magic lamp. A magic lamp with a GENIE in it. A genie I would use to make wishes. On my arm I would naturally want another me.

Jake
Truthfully, if I ever lost a leg, I’d want one of those curved metal springy things as a replacement. I think they look better than a metal stick, plus, I’m pretty sure they make you run faster (I vaguely remember amputees banned from athletic competitions because of the unfair advantage given by the springy things.)

In a far more fun perspective, I’d want a baseball bat or sledgehammer to replace an arm if I ever lost one. You could just randomly smack the crap out of anything in your way – zombies, annoying kids, Jehovah’s Witnesses, you name it.

Those cripples and their superior technology! - HP

Jake, I think you are talking about Oscar Pistorius who wasn’t fast enough to make the qualifying time for the Olympics. Since he’s the “fastest man on no legs”, I’d say that any unfair advantage that “those springy things” give would be nothing more than conjecture. - Travis

Yeah Travis, I got them mixed up with Powerisers.

While I grant you the argument they don’t give an unfair advantage, it’s still badass that the guy can run on them (faster than you or I could, for that matter.) And, if I combined them with the Powerisers/Powerbocks, I bet I could still go fast as hell. - Jake

Tucker
If it was a leg, I’d for sure get those springy things that make you run faster. If that guy can’t compete in the Olympics because it makes him too much of a badass, then it would make me even more so… due to the fact that I am already a badass. Be it an arm, the answer is easy… baseball bat. It’s the most useful thing you could ever have. I used to keep a tee-ball bat in my truck. And this way I would always have one even when I wasn’t in my truck. Being robbed? Baseball bat. Can’t find your keys? Baseball bat. Girlfriend won’t shut up? Baseball bat. As you can see, the uses are endless.

Travis
If I lost a limb… I’d replace it with two of whatever limb I lost. Then if I lost one of those limbs, I’d replace it with two more! The best part: I could sell my limbs to SCIENCE!

Ok no that’s creepy.

Travis, like the Hydra before you, you would become a creature of myth… nay… legend. (and don’t try to tell me they’re the same thing) - Will

Will’s right. For example, his penis is a myth, while mine is a legend. Isn’t English fun?

Also Will, the only reason I attack you is because I really wanted to make a Hydra reference and you beat me to it. - Tristan

Jeez, I didn’t even think ‘hydra’ I just thought ‘ew.’ - HP

Tom: Sands of Time (Prince of Persia series)

The Prince of Persia ability to change the flow of time around you with a magic sword. That was badass.

Tom, how often do you need to change the time around you? Is your life really that death-defying? - Travis

Travis, it’s not a matter of death defying, but a matter of satisfaction. I would punch so many people in the face and then just rewind with a smug smile on mine. - HP

Jake: Unreal shielding (Unreal Tournament)

The entire set of shield powerups from the Unreal Tournament series (although 3 was just a pretty letdown.) I’d love it if I could have 150 shields or something to protect me from oncoming traffic, bullets, wildebeests and whatnot. That, and the ability to respawn, but that’s not a powerup.

Tristan: Bullet Time (Max Payne series)

Max Payne-esque bullet time. I’m not sure if Max Payne was the first use of the concept in a video game, but it was the first one I saw, and I preferred their implementation of it to that of Enter the Matrix and the True Crime games.

Travis: The Blue Shell (Mario Kart Series)

I want the Blue Shell from Mario Kart. That way I could send it up to the first car in a slow line of traffic and blow their no-good pokey ass up. And if I couldn’t have that, I’d take the Bananas from Mario Kart to keep the frigging tailgaters off me. In fact, I wouldn’t complain about an unlimited supply of each. I promise I won’t abuse them.

Will: Yoshi (Super Mario Series)

While we all have fond memories of the way Super Mario Bros. taught us youngsters that it’s ok to experiment with mushrooms, I personally like a good ride. Ya know, a nice warm steed between my virtual legs. I think Yoshi was the quintessential embodiment of this type of video game power-up in his first appearance in Super Mario World. I really think it really adds a new level of intimidation. It basically says “Hey don’t mess with me lest my dinosaur/rhino/horse/swordfish/chocobo eat/stomp/trample/impale/maim you up the way your daddy should have but never did”

I would love the power-ups from Super Mario Bros 3, but I can’t say it’s my first choice. Seriously though, I’d love to be able to slap on a frog suit and breath underwater or grab a leaf and don a raccoon tail and fly away. Hell, even give me that whistle to summon a tornado to fly to far away locations. - HP

HP: Plasmids (Bioshock)

As I mentioned before, I’d love all those power-ups from Mario 3, but my real choice would be the Plasmids from BioShock. Let’s assume they did not drive me insane and I was not afraid of needles – they would be awesome! Walk up to your vending machine in the morning, ponder what you feel like today – Telekinesis? Pyrokinesis? Electricty? Shoot bees from your wrists? Or maybe that one plasmid that was cut from the final game, teleportation? It’d be great!

And, I’m not going to lie, I find myself in every day life snapping my fingers hoping something will catch fire.

Tucker: Ion Cannon (Command & Conquer)

Oh my dear christ child, who didn’t love the Ion Cannon in Command and Conquer: Tiberian Sun. Sometimes in the middle of a game, you would sit while things were building, and hover your mouse shakily over the Ion Cannon icon while you waiting for that abysmal sweeping timer to elapse so you could runstoppably smite your enemies once again from the sky. But sometimes, when that amazing computer love slave of yours told you “Ion Cannon ready” and you hadn’t thought of it, or even planned on having it’s devastating rape powers at your disposal, it was like a value pack of instant Christmas from Costco. Just add suffering. And it was completely unstoppable. Every other weapon could be stopped by a firestorm fence (after the expansion pack) because they were all sissy-ass missiles. But not the Ion Cannon. No way. It was a giant laser shot down from fucking SPACE. And it could take out an entire power plant with one shot. Orgasmic.

Tucker wants to rub his dick on a magic mushroom, there, i said it. - HP

I hate you all. Sometimes. - Tucker

HP

“Oh hey guys, I’m alive.” I cannot stand it when a movie has the gall to kill off a major character (or a major characters loved one) only to puss out and bring the character back. I’m fine if it’s a decent twist and it feels like it was intended the whole time, but it’s insulting when that return feels tacked on just to give us that “good” feeling. My example? War of the Worlds. Tom Cruises son dies. He explodes. Boom. Tom Cruise gets home and, lookie here, his son is there waiting for him. Not only did he live through an explosion, but he got home first. Go Tom Jr. Go suck it.

You assumed he died. Kids are made of rubber donchaknow? -Travis

Travis

“I’m invincible!” Main characters that don’t die at all ever. These sort of “hero” characters are mostly found in American movies and boy do they get me upset. You were stabbed twice, shot four times, and had a building land on you but you made it out alive. Oddly though, your equally tough looking sidekick stubbed his toe and keeled over. Ok, I know this qualifies you for your BA in Badassery (link to Will’s post), but I still really wish some minor character would pop you in the head. Come back from THAT chump.

Travis, tell that to 50 Cent. In “Get Rich or Die Tryin’,” our friend’s face was filled with an entire clip’s worth of bullets, from point-blank range, and he got up and started rapping. So there. -Tom

Tom

“You guys go ahead, I’ll hold them off by dying.” This is sort of the opposite end of the spectrum to Travis’s complaint, and it pisses me off just as damn much. The only reason they kill off most of these somewhat main characters is because they ran out of things to do, and want to make it look like people are sacrificing shit. But it’s all just bull…drop a grenade, and run on. Some movies do it fine (The Matrix, Armaggedon), but most don’t. At all. I think the worst offender is I Am Legend, where all he had to do was give the vampire its damn girlfriend back. But does he? No. No, he pulls a pin on a grenade and jumps at the vampire, instead, killing himself and the vampires for no damned reason. Fuckheads.

Tristan

“It’s ok, the bullet hit my vest/badge/Bible/zipper!” This one was good the first time. It took everyone by surprise, and we were all giddy about how outsmarted we had been. Since then, it has almost become a staple of movies. I believe the first time I saw it was in Back to the Future III, and I enjoyed it then. But five hundred movies later, any time you see a protagonist get shot or stabbed you immediately think “Hmmm, I wonder what’s under his shirt”.

Here’s another one Tristan… In the The 3 Musketeers movie with Keifer Sutherland, one of em gets shot and is presumed dead… nevermind it just hit and put a dent the crucifix hanging around his neck. Que line: “Well whatdya know… there is a God” -Will

Will

“Ok for the female lead we’re going to need a bright, attractive, funny young actress… on second thought let’s just use Drew Barrymore” If you couldn’t guess, I am not her biggest fan. As much as the action sequences of Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle seemed to make fun of my intelligence (ie. Girls lifted upward via counterweight pulley system, girls then kick through ceiling, girls fly through air in slo-mo, each girl proceeds to grab a shard of wood in mid air, girls use said shards as makeshift skateboards and grind down a draping chain to safety), what insulted me most was that the filmmakers tried to convince me that Ms. Barrymore (crooked mouth and all) was sexually desirable. Quite frankly, I would appreciate a little Drew Barryless.

I’m sure Drew Barrymore is a nice person in real life, but I can’t get over the side-of-the-mouth talking. -Travis

Tucker

The biggest movie cop-out of all time is easy. Because you’ve seen it so so so many times you might not even realize it. It’s the goddamn happy endings. No, I’m not talking about the extra 50 bucks you spend at the Asian massage table every weekend. I’m talking about how every single flipping movie ending where everything just seems to “work out”. Try for a second to count every movie you’ve ever seen that ends on a positive note, you can not. Try to count every movie where the shit hits the fan and stays that way. You can easily do it on one hand. Personally, I blame William Shakespeare for his god damn “people will kill themselves if you don’t leave them on a happy note” bullshit. Well Bill, who are you to stop natural selection from doing its job? My name is Tucker and I support this massage.

Travis, Tucker, (and Tom to some extent) you are expressing different complaints that stem off the same problem – the public. The public wants to see invulnerable heroes because it makes them feel good. It allows them to feel bad ass by proxy. Honestly, I don’t want to watch an action movie about a guy like me who would probably get in a fist fight, hurt his back, and then get beaten until he was admitted into the ICU.

And the public likes happy endings. Rare is it that you get a movie that has the balls to pull that comfort away from you. I’m going to plug The Dark Knight here, because nothing about that movie is really happy. And Tom, in I Am Legends case, they had a much better, more peaceful ending planned, but the test audiences wanted more boom and more dead ghouls. -HP

Will’s fits that category too. The public has a problem with Drew Barrymore. -Tristan

Jake

This might be a cop-out, it may be stereotyping. Either way, it pisses me off. With the exception of one movie I can think of, every action hero/drama protagonist/mentally “strong” character has been 500 pounds of solid muscle. Seriously, I’ve seen a big guy try to sneak up on someone. Trust me, it isn’t quiet if he has to shuffle around that much weight. The only movie I can think of that had a “strong” male protagonist without steroid problems was El Wray from Planet Terror (remember the quick little guy with the knives?) Seriously, sometimes you don’t need a “Ah’m gonnah pump – YOU UP!” poster boy. Also, throw this argument to the other side when some jackass director feels that the heroine shoots more accurately somehow lugging around D cups.

There are a huge number of exceptions to yours. Keanu Reeves, Jet Li, Antonio Banderas and Toby Maguire have all been “The Hero” in movies I’m sure you’ve seen, and while they’re in good shape they’re not bouncer material by any means. I’ll agree that there’s an abundance of Dwayne Johnsons and Vin Diesels, but there’s also a ton of small agile gymnastics-types out there. If your complaint is a lack of fat people playing the hero role then that’s a different story. I mean, if I wanted to see fat people in spandex I’d just go to the beach. -Tristan

HP
I like apple pie, it’s pretty good.

Tristan
The best type of pie by far is the Whoopie Pie. Especially when you can get the perfect Whoopie to Pie ratio. I think I win this contest by sheer calorie count, because as everyone knows, the number of calories in anything is directly proportional to its flavor.

Travis
Blueberry Pie cannot be beat. High in antioxidants, sugar, and tastyness. Add one scoop of vanilla ice cream on top of warm blueberry pie for even more tasty contrast.

Jake
Strawberry rhubarb pie, hands down, contest over. I haven’t seen in around for a long time, but I can remember having it a bunch as a kid. It’s just plain delicious.

Tom
Banana cream pie is the shit. It’s really tasty, so you can eat it, and it’s well-balanced and excellent consistency means you can throw it, too…what more can you ask for in a pie?

Will
I’m going with the Chicken Pot… As far as pies go it’s pretty decent. Chicken Pot Pie is probably the only common pie to boast the flesh of a slaughtered animal… However I can’t say that for sure until I figure out what the hell “mincemeat” is.

Tucker
Cream pie. Heh.

Travis: Razor/End Sequence (Need for Speed: Most Wanted)
The end of Need for Speed:Most Wanted. After you get your car back from that moron “Razor” you have to survive dozens of cop cars, helicopters, and barricades as you try to make your way to the half-finished bridge in order to get out of town. This takes place right after you _thought_ you finished the game by beating Razor. As hokey as most of the acting in the game was, I think it was the best attempt at a plot ever made by the Need for Speed series.

HP said…Racing games have stories?

Tom said…I think Travis is just crazy. Racing games don’t have stories, unless they’re a Fast & Furious movie game, at which point they just have shitty stories.

Will said…Absolutely racing games have stories… Does no one recall the genius narrative structure of Diddy Kong Racing, where our intrepid hero had to unlock the magical race tracks by taking first place each time? Each world had a respective boss race that ultimately lead to a fiery showdown with the evil Wizpig! Keep in mind that all this had to be done before Timber the tiger’s parents returned home to the island… No?… No one remembers that?

HP: William Birkin (Resident Evil 2)
William Birkin from Resident Evil 2. Creator of the G-Virus (which is worse than the T-Virus, you see), William injected himself when he was left for dead. The result? A hulking beast that kept mutating every time you encountered him. You probably fought him a good five times in the whole game. He starts off as a guy with a messed up arm carrying a lead pipe. He was slow, but strong. Eventually he sprouts a new head and his messed up arms forms 2 feet long claws. You had to be quick to avoid getting impaled. By the last boss fight, he was nothing but a giant blob with a bajillion teeth, trying to board your train and rip you to pieces. Protip: Save some grenade launcher ammo.

Tristan: Star Wolf (Star Fox 64)
This one goes all the way back to the Nintendo 64 (it hurts to think how long ago that thing came out). In Star Fox 64, if you can make it through hearing Peppy say “Do a barrel roll” a hundred times, eventually you’ll get to fight Star Wolf, a group of mercenaries that engage you in a dogfight. Star Fox 64 was one of my favorite games for N64, because I thought the ships handled very well for a flying game, and this really shows when you get to fight something that moves just like you do and doesn’t die in two hits. It was a good amount of challenge without being hard enough to make you bash your head on the TV.

Will: Gannondorf/Gannon (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)
I will forever defend the N64 as the platform to boast the best boss battles ever conceived. And as satisfying as it was to go head to head with Bobba Fett via _Shadows of the Empire_, I’m going to have to give it to _Ocarina of Time_. Every single boss fight in this game was nothing sort of phenomenal and each time your eyes caught sight of the next one in line… one phrase would undoubtedly come to mind… “SWEET GARDEN PEAS I’M F’d!” The most rewarding boss to defeat was naturally the last one, Gannondorf, who would toss energy balls for you to deflect back with the master sword. When he finally coughs up some healthy blood, it seems as though the Hero of Time has saved Hyrule for good. No sir that would be incorrect. You must then escape the collapsing castle with Princess Zelda gasping and screaming suggestively behind you. Well thank the good Din we made it out! But wait… something stirs ‘neath the rubble! It’s Gannon, a hideous abomination of darkness wielding some incredibly phallic blades. Some Light Arrows and some hearty chops to his equally phallic tail will eventually bring the foul creature to his knees. The first time I beat this game I’m pretty sure I was very much out of breath.

Larry: End Guy (Internet)
He was hard.

Tucker: First Boss (Hello Kitty Island Adventure)
Seriously, I can’t get past him for the life of me.

Now that you have your BA in Badassery from our accredited institution, set your sights on becoming as cool as these guys.

Tom
I guess I’ll start things off here…I’m going to throw down my vote for Tony Jaa, especially his character “Kham” from the movie The Protector. Kham has an elephant. Kham’s elephant gets stolen. So Kham heads to Sydney, Australia, and proceeds to snap every single person he sees in half for the rest of the movie. The elephant’s dead before he can get to it, but in the process of trying, Kham goes so far as to break two giant body builder/wrestler types by destroying pretty much every joint they have, and even launches off a rooftop, just to knee a guy in a chest (the guy that gets kneed is hanging from a helicopter at that point). For the movie, Jaa did all of his own stunts (and without safety wire), including the 4 minute long, one continuous shot fight scene up a set of stairs (by my estimates, he breaks around 300 guys in that scene).

Jake
This one’s easy for me. No one comes close to taking the reigning king of badassery, Samuel L. Jackson as Jules Winnfield, from “Pulp Fiction.” He single-handedly thrust the word “motherfucker” into every possible form of sentence structure – pronoun, noun, adjective, you name it. Still don’t believe he’s badass enough? Just look at this famous scene from the movie.

Oh sure, just one scene might not be enough, but Jules Winnfield is so badass he transcends genres. There’s even a parody where he plays a hockey coach.

“And you will know my name is the Lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!” (kids stomp hockey sticks in unison)

Tristan
Tom is right. Nobody is as badass as Tony Jaa. I guess this leaves me to pick a sub-badass…

I guess I’m going to have to go with Captain Ivan Drago from Rocky IV. He definitely has the whole strong silent thing going for him, as he only has like four lines in the whole movie. When he does speak though, he gets such gems as “I must break you” and “If he dies, he dies”. Even when taking a world class beating from Rocky he maintains the same composure as when he’s at a press conference. Intimidation through pure determination. And height. He was a big mofo.

The actor, Dolph Lundgren, also played Frank Castle in the 1989 version of The Punisher, which has to count for extra credit.

HP
Oh shucks, who do I chose? I could easily go for something obscure like the lead in Oldboy, but we already have some Eastern films references. Ahnold is an obvious choice. Hmm… I suppose I will go with Brock Samson from the Venture Brothers. He’s got great hair, carries a knife everywhere, and he’s a great baby sitter. How many other badasses can kick the shit out of a group of henchmen wearing nothing but their blood. Well, maybe Viggo Mortensen from Eastern Promises. That steam room scene was pretty bad ass too.

Will
Hmmmm. I was thinking about Marv from Sin City but it really was my goal to stray away from movies… I’m gonna go with Altaïr ibn La-Ahad from the Assassin’s Creed video game. His name (?????? ??? ?? ??? ), if you were curious, is Arabic for “The Flying One, Son of None” and if you’ve played Assassin’s Creed or seen it played, then you need no further commentary. He’s an assassin during the 3rd crusade, he kills people, and looks damn good doing it even in the tembling hands of a novice gamer. Those dizzying leaps into haystacks aside, simply watch him walk down a crowded street and you’ll instantly recognize the badassery inherent in his confident swagger alone. Throw in the fact that he was apparently responsible for all the significant deaths of the year 1191 and we have a badass to rival that of Darth Vader himself.

Travis
Jason Statham. The man is amazing. Not only has he been an actual black market salesman, but he has background in kick boxing, mixed martial arts and jujitsu. He also does almost all of his own stunts, driving included, which will always earn you bonus points with me. Also worthy of mention: he’s been in 3 different movies in which his character gets attacked with an AXE. How sick is that? F’n sick. Bonus: He’s a badass that gets the ladies as Handsome Rob in The Italian Job. Not a lot of badasses can claim prowess of any sort with the opposite gender.

There is one small caveat though; I’m not sure how bad ass Olympic divers are…

Tucker

Pfft, easy. Chong Lee. There is no bigger badass than him. Chong Lee was in a no holds barred tournament and he didn’t knock bitches out, he killed bitches. “Hope you didn’t have any plans past today” SNAP. And like any true badass, when he thinks he’s gonna lose… he cheats. To this very day I keep a pill of hallucinogenic qualities in my waistband that I can crush up and throw in the eyes of my enemies. I keep it there every day. Brush my teeth, shower, shave, put pill in waistband, make my coffee. Chong Lee has shown that you never quite know when you could need it. Bloodsport was a propaganda film to discredit the awesomeness of Chong Lee. I’d put it on the same level as documentaries on North Korean government television.

Tucker

HP

Will

Travis

Jake

Tom