Obscure Inq

This week we all speak about our least favorite parts of the internet.

HP-

First and foremost, furries. Fucking furries. You are not ok. You are not being persecuted (fursecuted lawl). You are a bunch of socially inept fucks with a sick desire to fuck things with cat ears. You are not half dragon, half tiger. You are a fat woman with inverted tits. You know, I’m all for childhood nostalgia. I love the Ninja Turtles. But I don’t love them so much that I strap on a fucking shell, paint myself green, and try to bang my girlfriend (who would be in a yellow jump suit, naturally). All your “yiffing” just makes the rest of us uncomfortable. Top this off with the fact that furries often times are so damaged that they come coupled with other fetishes (such as vore or some pedo thing) and you’re left with this blackhole of insanity and sense.

“Yiff in Hell, furfags!” -Jake

I’d prefer if they shant yiff at all. -HP

Chris, they’re gonna yiff all over your stuff. Jake, that sounds like an awesome way to end an evil meeting. -Tom

Tom-

There are so many things that the Internet could do without, I’m not even sure where to begin. But since I’m the resident Wordsmith, I think I’ll mark slash as my target. Fucking slash. Dear people who want to write things: Slash does not count as legitimate fiction, because all you’re doing is taking well known (or, in some cases, obscure) pop culture characters, and making them have sex. That is fucked up. The characters were written specific ways for specific reasons, and all of your wanting them to kiss doesn’t make up for the fact that, when the movie/show/book/comic is cancelled/finished, they did not kiss, let alone tango horizontally. They didn’t then, they aren’t now, and they never will. All you do is take romance novels, and replace names like “Tabitha” and “Luthorius” with “Trinity” and “Neo.” Fuck you. Get your own goddamn characters, your own plot, and, while you’re at it, get your own life.

PS - Until you can write using your own characters and story, stay off the Internet. You’re clogging it up for the rest of us.

Will-

Oh what’s that other mythical creature… not furries… Trolls! You people who find fan based message boards and proceed to dispell complete asshole nothingness and rag on the innocents for their pathetic lives. You know the only thing more pathetic than a geek who spends too much time overanalyzing star wars on a message board? The douche who locates said message board to give them shit for it.

I, for one, enjoy the occasional troll. Myself and a couple others once troll a message board until it shut down. Good times. -HP

Travis-

People that reply “First!” in the comments section of a website. Are you proving something? What are you proving? Is it that your internet connection faster than mine? That your RSS poaching skills are more elite than the rest of us plebeian n00bz? Or is it that you just need to lift your leg, mark your territory, and put your name out there so that everyone knows who the useless twat is? That must be it.

Thank you for the help. We always thought that you were a useless twat, but we didn’t have the evidence. This clears it right up.

Will and Travis, those are the first ones that came to mind for me. Trolls don’t bother me so much, but they’ve created an atmosphere of paranoia on the net where every time someone has a conflicting opinion it’s “OMG TROLZ LOL!!!111oneoneone”.Also, another one that bugs me, the caps-lock key. I know it’s not a piece of the internet itself, but the internet is what made me hate it. -Tristan

Caps-lock: Cruise Control for Awesome. -Tucker

Jake-

There’s an elephant in the room, and it’s blaring shitty music with a horrible CSS template that makes it pink and green. I’m talking about MySpace. Whoever the fuck thought it would be a good idea to let the general public do web design should be dragged out into the street and shot. I can just imagine the developers huddled around an episode of “Cops,” while a woman barges out of her trailer, baby clutched in one arm, cigarette dangling out of the corner of her mouth, screaming “Yeah, well, he got me pregnant first!” to another woman who might as well be her clone.

“Hey!” Says one developer while he snorts another line of coke. “Let’s give her web design tools!”
Another developer, with a swastika tattooed on the side of his face, emphatically agrees. “Heil MySpace!”
The developers spend the rest of the day dropkicking nuns and throwing puppies out of airplanes.

It’s not just the design aspect, either. MySpace is, by far, the easiest site to pull off phishing attacks with, due both to user incompetence and bad implementation. That’s saying something, especially with StalkerBo… ahem, Facebook providing access to information despite the tightest security settings the user sets.

Myspace was an accident. It should have been aborted -Travis

Tristan-

“Congratulations! You have been selected to receive two free iPod Nanos!” Gah, it’s the “Head On” commercials of the internet. We can lump this in with any add that forces sound into your earholes without your consent. It’s rape, that’s what it is. I find this particularly annoying because of one incident where I was installing a new version of Linux on my computer, and hadn’t gotten around to messing with the sound settings yet. I go to browse around the internets to make sure I have Java/Flash/etc. installed and BAM! The next thing I know I’m pinned up against the wall, trying to force my way through the 400 dB sound waves back to my computer to shut the damn thing off. MySpace is similar in this respect, but at least when you go to MySpace you are willingly forcing feces through your ears and eyes. Luckily Firefox has a snazzy little add-on called Adblock Plus that fixed the problem right up.

I would like to note that AdBlock is one of the best FireFox applications ever invented. -HP

I’m going to disagree. Though helpful, it masks over embedded videos from YouTube, Vimeo, MetaCafe, Viddler, you name it. The only saving grace is that it does silence noisy ads. -Travis

Tucker-

The internet could do without children.

There’s a reason children aren’t allowed to vote, drive cars, or procreate. Because they’re idiots. Unfortunately, the internet chose to give everyone a voice, including the longevity-impaired. This country puts age ratings on every form of media known to man, save the tubes. Why is this? Why are the young, with their squeeky voices and fuckshoe logic allowed to jaywalk on the information superhighway? Sure we can ban them. Sure we can ignore them. Sure we can post their homemade pornos left on passwordless PhotoBuckets online and ruin what little life they have so far. (Citation: http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Klutzypriss07) But this is a growing concern. More and more children are born every day. I know this is shocking to you, but this problem has spun out of control. And with the invention of Xbox Live, their evil presence is growing. At some point some people may start to listen to what they have to say. I for one refuse to let this happen. Who’s with me?

Here here! Ban the kids from the internet! -Travis

Tags: 7 list, Interview, People //