Obscure Inq

Now that you have your BA in Badassery from our accredited institution, set your sights on becoming as cool as these guys.

Tom
I guess I’ll start things off here…I’m going to throw down my vote for Tony Jaa, especially his character “Kham” from the movie The Protector. Kham has an elephant. Kham’s elephant gets stolen. So Kham heads to Sydney, Australia, and proceeds to snap every single person he sees in half for the rest of the movie. The elephant’s dead before he can get to it, but in the process of trying, Kham goes so far as to break two giant body builder/wrestler types by destroying pretty much every joint they have, and even launches off a rooftop, just to knee a guy in a chest (the guy that gets kneed is hanging from a helicopter at that point). For the movie, Jaa did all of his own stunts (and without safety wire), including the 4 minute long, one continuous shot fight scene up a set of stairs (by my estimates, he breaks around 300 guys in that scene).

Jake
This one’s easy for me. No one comes close to taking the reigning king of badassery, Samuel L. Jackson as Jules Winnfield, from “Pulp Fiction.” He single-handedly thrust the word “motherfucker” into every possible form of sentence structure – pronoun, noun, adjective, you name it. Still don’t believe he’s badass enough? Just look at this famous scene from the movie.

Oh sure, just one scene might not be enough, but Jules Winnfield is so badass he transcends genres. There’s even a parody where he plays a hockey coach.

“And you will know my name is the Lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!” (kids stomp hockey sticks in unison)

Tristan
Tom is right. Nobody is as badass as Tony Jaa. I guess this leaves me to pick a sub-badass…

I guess I’m going to have to go with Captain Ivan Drago from Rocky IV. He definitely has the whole strong silent thing going for him, as he only has like four lines in the whole movie. When he does speak though, he gets such gems as “I must break you” and “If he dies, he dies”. Even when taking a world class beating from Rocky he maintains the same composure as when he’s at a press conference. Intimidation through pure determination. And height. He was a big mofo.

The actor, Dolph Lundgren, also played Frank Castle in the 1989 version of The Punisher, which has to count for extra credit.

HP
Oh shucks, who do I chose? I could easily go for something obscure like the lead in Oldboy, but we already have some Eastern films references. Ahnold is an obvious choice. Hmm… I suppose I will go with Brock Samson from the Venture Brothers. He’s got great hair, carries a knife everywhere, and he’s a great baby sitter. How many other badasses can kick the shit out of a group of henchmen wearing nothing but their blood. Well, maybe Viggo Mortensen from Eastern Promises. That steam room scene was pretty bad ass too.

Will
Hmmmm. I was thinking about Marv from Sin City but it really was my goal to stray away from movies… I’m gonna go with Altaïr ibn La-Ahad from the Assassin’s Creed video game. His name (?????? ??? ?? ??? ), if you were curious, is Arabic for “The Flying One, Son of None” and if you’ve played Assassin’s Creed or seen it played, then you need no further commentary. He’s an assassin during the 3rd crusade, he kills people, and looks damn good doing it even in the tembling hands of a novice gamer. Those dizzying leaps into haystacks aside, simply watch him walk down a crowded street and you’ll instantly recognize the badassery inherent in his confident swagger alone. Throw in the fact that he was apparently responsible for all the significant deaths of the year 1191 and we have a badass to rival that of Darth Vader himself.

Travis
Jason Statham. The man is amazing. Not only has he been an actual black market salesman, but he has background in kick boxing, mixed martial arts and jujitsu. He also does almost all of his own stunts, driving included, which will always earn you bonus points with me. Also worthy of mention: he’s been in 3 different movies in which his character gets attacked with an AXE. How sick is that? F’n sick. Bonus: He’s a badass that gets the ladies as Handsome Rob in The Italian Job. Not a lot of badasses can claim prowess of any sort with the opposite gender.

There is one small caveat though; I’m not sure how bad ass Olympic divers are…

Tucker

Pfft, easy. Chong Lee. There is no bigger badass than him. Chong Lee was in a no holds barred tournament and he didn’t knock bitches out, he killed bitches. “Hope you didn’t have any plans past today” SNAP. And like any true badass, when he thinks he’s gonna lose… he cheats. To this very day I keep a pill of hallucinogenic qualities in my waistband that I can crush up and throw in the eyes of my enemies. I keep it there every day. Brush my teeth, shower, shave, put pill in waistband, make my coffee. Chong Lee has shown that you never quite know when you could need it. Bloodsport was a propaganda film to discredit the awesomeness of Chong Lee. I’d put it on the same level as documentaries on North Korean government television.